This is not necessarily a common PCOS hot topic, but.. is still something crazy important to me that is crucial to my life story and my experience with my diagnoses. Today marks the day of my fifth year of sobriety!!! In this instance, "sobriety" is a kind of all-encompassing statement, because yes, I have been drug-free for a full 5 years, but I have also tackled many other past hurdles and demons of serious self-destructive behavior. The fact I'm even alive to be typing this right now is pretty amazing.
One reason this is so important though and chose to share it here, is because upon getting my diagnoses w PCOS, diabetes and everything else I got diagnosed with... naturally, I had a very serious meltdown. It was the closest I've come to a relapse that I can remember. Not only was a scared, sad, worried, shocked, etc..etc.. I was angry. Very angry.
I was healthy before I cleaned myself up. I mean.. to an outsider I looked like shit, but.. especially comparably speaking.. I was freakin healthy. I changed my entire life around for the sake of my health. Everyone knows "drugs are bad for you" and.. that "drugs kill".. on and on. Well.. imagine my disappointment when I should be the healthiest I've ever been, because I'm living the cleanest lifestyle I've ever lived.. only to find out I'm the sickest I've ever been. I'm infertile? I'm diabetic? I'm extremely overweight (that goes hand in hand with sobriety. and in my case, not only sobriety, but recovery from years and years of eating disorders). I was furious. I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused. I cursed my sobriety, thinking.. if only I kept doing drugs.. or if only I kept up my eating disorders.. how much thinner I would be, how much "healthier" I would be. It was tough. It is tough. When I got that phone call yesterday about my sugars.. all those thoughts came flooding back for a fleeting moment. And not just those thoughts.. suicidal thoughts. It's hard for me to be sick. I won't lie to you. It is hard to know I am so incredibly profoundly imperfect, thanks to this disease. At times.. it is devastating difficult. It truly is.
But.. I've gone 5 years with no drugs, 5 years with no suicide attempts and 5 years with no self injury. So.. I just have to keep it going. I have to stay strong. I'll never understand how switching from such an unhealthy lifestyle into a clean lifestyle lead to a belly full of disease, but it did.. and I'm just going to have to learn to live with.. and survive it.
I have to remember I've made it too far to let this illness be the death of me.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Keepin it real
:Whew: Well, obviously I haven't written in awhile and honestly... that's because I really have not had much to write about. Prior to my getting diagnosed with diabetes I was on the right track.. very involved w my doctors and following a proper diet&exercise routine, taking all my meds, tracking every detail of my daily life in my little phone notebook.. the whole thing. (I advise, btw, to do all of this. Everything I just mentioned.. do it and stick with it.)
Unfortunately, after diagnoses.. things just kind of fell apart. I think it was my fear that propelled me prior to official diagnoses. When they said I was pre-diabetic, I wanted so badly to prove them wrong.. I think I was doing everything in my power to do so. Unfortunately, when I found out I was indeed actually diabetic.. I guess I just gave up. I (internally) said "fuck it", if you will. I mean.. it's too late now anyway, right?
Wrong. Of course not. What was I thinking? Now.. (up until yesterday) it had been about 2 and a half months since my last doctors visit. During this time I have not been on a strict diet plan (I should've been, mind you, but I haven't been). I haven't been back to the pool since before New Year's (now, part of this has to do w automotive issues, but.. that's beside the point). No logs, yada yada yada.. you get the picture. Luckily, I have stuck w the meds and at least when it comes to the way I feel physically, I am certainly all the better for it. Even better.. I am shocked to know I didn't even gain all my weight back. I didn't keep it off either though, of course. I did have a 3 lb weight gain since my last visit, so.. about a lb a month (though you do have to give or take a lb or 2, as we all know).
The kicker though (and the reason why I felt compelled to finally start this damn blog I said I was going to start).. I got a call from my Dr today. I got some blood work done yesterday and he called me with the results. My thyroid looks great (hallelujah. thank you, Synthroid), but my blood sugar is higher than it should be (:sigh:). I should be at about a 7 and yesterday (after eating leftover spicy mango shrimp & rice) I was a 7.8. Verdict? I now have to actually start checking my sugars. Before, he just stuck me on Metformin (which best I can tell is making me feel amazingly better) and told me to watch my diet, no worry w checking blood sugar. Yeah. Now, thanks to my 'out of sight, out of mind' way of handling my diagnoses.. I've manged to have it all backfire on me and things are starting to feel pretty freakin real.
I have another appointment with him in 2 weeks to do another sugar test and to get all my testing supplies. I called my mom and told her and of course had to endure an "encouraging" lecture. Now.. it's just telling the fiance. This is where the breakdown comes. Literal tears. :sigh:
The fact of the matter is, as it is, my weight is already the giant elephant in the room. Being diabetic, along with everything else that comes along w PCOS.. it's just too much. Or causes me to worry it's too much anyway. I'm afraid he'll wake up one day and see me as this damaged thing and leave, so.. having to test my sugars and.. have that as something going on in our household.. it just really freaks me out.
Hopefully having to test my sugars now will help me get back on the right track. If nothing else, just tracking everything (diet, exercise, sugar numbers) is so important. I'm wondering though, of course, how much it will really bring home the fact that I am now indeed diabetic. I still don't feel diabetic. I still don't think of myself as diabetic. And.. sure as hell don't want to think of myslf that way for heavens sake. Ugh! This is tough, guys. Tough.
I gotta get it together.
Unfortunately, after diagnoses.. things just kind of fell apart. I think it was my fear that propelled me prior to official diagnoses. When they said I was pre-diabetic, I wanted so badly to prove them wrong.. I think I was doing everything in my power to do so. Unfortunately, when I found out I was indeed actually diabetic.. I guess I just gave up. I (internally) said "fuck it", if you will. I mean.. it's too late now anyway, right?
Wrong. Of course not. What was I thinking? Now.. (up until yesterday) it had been about 2 and a half months since my last doctors visit. During this time I have not been on a strict diet plan (I should've been, mind you, but I haven't been). I haven't been back to the pool since before New Year's (now, part of this has to do w automotive issues, but.. that's beside the point). No logs, yada yada yada.. you get the picture. Luckily, I have stuck w the meds and at least when it comes to the way I feel physically, I am certainly all the better for it. Even better.. I am shocked to know I didn't even gain all my weight back. I didn't keep it off either though, of course. I did have a 3 lb weight gain since my last visit, so.. about a lb a month (though you do have to give or take a lb or 2, as we all know).
The kicker though (and the reason why I felt compelled to finally start this damn blog I said I was going to start).. I got a call from my Dr today. I got some blood work done yesterday and he called me with the results. My thyroid looks great (hallelujah. thank you, Synthroid), but my blood sugar is higher than it should be (:sigh:). I should be at about a 7 and yesterday (after eating leftover spicy mango shrimp & rice) I was a 7.8. Verdict? I now have to actually start checking my sugars. Before, he just stuck me on Metformin (which best I can tell is making me feel amazingly better) and told me to watch my diet, no worry w checking blood sugar. Yeah. Now, thanks to my 'out of sight, out of mind' way of handling my diagnoses.. I've manged to have it all backfire on me and things are starting to feel pretty freakin real.
I have another appointment with him in 2 weeks to do another sugar test and to get all my testing supplies. I called my mom and told her and of course had to endure an "encouraging" lecture. Now.. it's just telling the fiance. This is where the breakdown comes. Literal tears. :sigh:
The fact of the matter is, as it is, my weight is already the giant elephant in the room. Being diabetic, along with everything else that comes along w PCOS.. it's just too much. Or causes me to worry it's too much anyway. I'm afraid he'll wake up one day and see me as this damaged thing and leave, so.. having to test my sugars and.. have that as something going on in our household.. it just really freaks me out.
Hopefully having to test my sugars now will help me get back on the right track. If nothing else, just tracking everything (diet, exercise, sugar numbers) is so important. I'm wondering though, of course, how much it will really bring home the fact that I am now indeed diabetic. I still don't feel diabetic. I still don't think of myself as diabetic. And.. sure as hell don't want to think of myslf that way for heavens sake. Ugh! This is tough, guys. Tough.
I gotta get it together.
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