Five Years!

This is not necessarily a common PCOS hot topic, but.. is still something crazy important to me that is crucial to my life story and my experience with my diagnoses. Today marks the day of my fifth year of sobriety!!! In this instance, "sobriety" is a kind of all-encompassing statement, because yes, I have been drug-free for a full 5 years, but I have also tackled many other past hurdles and demons of serious self-destructive behavior. The fact I'm even alive to be typing this right now is pretty amazing.

One reason this is so important though and chose to share it here, is because upon getting my diagnoses w PCOS, diabetes and everything else I got diagnosed with... naturally, I had a very serious meltdown. It was the closest I've come to a relapse that I can remember. Not only was a scared, sad, worried, shocked, etc..etc.. I was angry. Very angry.

I was healthy before I cleaned myself up. I mean.. to an outsider I looked like shit, but.. especially comparably speaking.. I was freakin healthy. I changed my entire life around for the sake of my health. Everyone knows "drugs are bad for you" and.. that "drugs kill".. on and on. Well.. imagine my disappointment when I should be the healthiest I've ever been, because I'm living the cleanest lifestyle I've ever lived.. only to find out I'm the sickest I've ever been. I'm infertile? I'm diabetic? I'm extremely overweight (that goes hand in hand with sobriety. and in my case, not only sobriety, but recovery from years and years of eating disorders). I was furious. I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused. I cursed my sobriety, thinking.. if only I kept doing drugs.. or if only I kept up my eating disorders.. how much thinner I would be, how much "healthier" I would be. It was tough. It is tough. When I got that phone call yesterday about my sugars.. all those thoughts came flooding back for a fleeting moment. And not just those thoughts.. suicidal thoughts. It's hard for me to be sick. I won't lie to you. It is hard to know I am so incredibly profoundly imperfect, thanks to this disease. At times.. it is devastating difficult. It truly is.

But.. I've gone 5 years with no drugs, 5 years with no suicide attempts and 5 years with no self injury. So.. I just have to keep it going. I have to stay strong. I'll never understand how switching from such an unhealthy lifestyle into a clean lifestyle lead to a belly full of disease, but it did.. and I'm just going to have to learn to live with.. and survive it.

I have to remember I've made it too far to let this illness be the death of me.